God, My God
by Half-Assed
Summary: Shinji is slipping into madness and everything around him is suffering. This is set right after Kaoru's death
1. Diving into the well

Shinji rubbed his sleepy eyes. It was another bad dream. He had been having them for at least a week or better. What scared him was the fact that each time he had a nightmare they became slightly more grotesque with each one. This certainly must be a punishment by God himself, his punishment for everything in his life.

Everything was so fucked up; everything was so tainted in his minds rotten flesh that he would never be able to pull himself out. He hated this, at least before in his dreams he could be free of the endless torment in his mind, but now everything was so twisted that he could barely comprehend anything anymore.

It took everything in his will to just get up in the morning, and every night he was terrified of beloved sleep. He stood finally and stretched but winced at the pain it brought in his arms. He brought them down to inspect them; all across his flesh were the annoying presence of bandages. They were things that he didn't deserve.

He didn't deserve anything anymore in this world, not even the comfort of bandages on marred flesh. Nothing, sometimes he wondered why he even kept on living. He truly had no purpose anymore anyway. The Angels, they were all gone now, Shinji had taken care of that. Poor Kaoru, poor thing, it was all Shinji's fault he died.

All Shinji's fault, if only there was something else he could have done, something more noteworthy, maybe there was another way and he just hadn't seen it. Sure his friend, his beloved, really was an angel, but didn't he hold human form as well? When Shinji popped his head clear off his shoulders didn't he bleed?

Didn't Kaoru feel? He told Shinji he loved him, had he been lying? Shinji doubted that, Kaoru gave him a choice at the end to destroy him, wasn't that a finale act of his love? And didn't Shinji take it in the end? Now he was suffering for his decision, and if he could he would change everything.

He had the opportunity to slip finally into madness and in the end he was too afraid to. Kaoru would have been his own personal guide into something unknown. Maybe, if Shinji had allowed Kaoru to do what he was born to do he wouldn't be so alone right now. Maybe things would have been better.

Shinji sighed, he certainly did miss Kaoru. How could he have known that some boy he had just known practically a second mean so much to him? If he could turn back time he would let Kaoru do his thing, Shinji would even be holding his hand while he did it. Maybe Kaoru's pale fist would snake its way around Shinji's waist and lead him somewhere far away.

He was an angel right? Maybe he was just hiding his wings, maybe he was scared to, or maybe he was just a monster. "Even so I'd take monsters over this guilt any day." Shinji breathed aloud. Shinji left his room then and made his way to the kitchen. He was just a coward all right, and he was now a useless one as well.

He mind returned to the dream. Asuka, her pretty face, her blue eyes, the pus that oozed from them. He cringed, not at how gross it was but the fact that in his mind he enjoyed watching it. Sometimes his thoughts frightened him, especially the violent ones he almost seemed to get a hard on whenever he thought of them.

He was in the kitchen now staring at the fridge in mild contemplation. Should he eat or no? He huffed in annoyance at himself Kaoru's voice played through his head. "I love you Shinji Ikari." He destroyed the one who actually loved him. It was his fault! Now while he stood there contemplating food Kaoru was feeding maggots and worms.

Not only that but poor Asuka, she was gone as well. Not physically no, but mentally she was no longer there. That was because of Shinji too. Poor dear Asuka, she was probably sitting crying in a corner of that damn hospital room. Shinji would never be able to see her outside again. She was finished with her freedom.

Misato seemed to be gone already. The whole place seemed deserted and forlorn. It made Shinji's bad mood worse. "It must be like this when you're dead." He looked around to make sure he wasn't wrong about being alone. "My arms really hurt today." It was true the wounds on them throbbed and burned.

Shinji frowned; today was going to be terrible. "It's okay to sometimes be scared Shinji, as long as you realize its part of what makes you human, being afraid of the future, of what you have to do. You know it's not easy, heavens no! I mean you saved the world and all pretty much! You know normal boys your age only have to cope with girls. Anyway what I'm trying to say is that I understand what you're going through, you don't have to walk in this maze alone."

Misato's words invaded his thoughts. "Shinji I think that your wonderful, I've been wanting to say those words for some time now. I think that you have started the process of maturing. I think that you can finally heal now. I just want you to know how much I care for you; you're like a son or a little brother. I genuinely want you to stay with me, I hope you do!"

Shinji clasped his hands over his ears. He shook his head his mind arguing with that sweet voice. He didn't deserve such kind words, not when he has brought so much pain, just like his father. Just like the very person he hated most. "I don't deserve any such love." Tears fresh and warm began to pour down his cheeks.

Shinji felt his knees give way and he sat there on them sobbing. Everything was his fault! Kaoru, Asuka, Rei, even Toji, and certainly Misato as well, everybody at Nerv, even his father, he couldn't even be a good son to him. But most of all he felt bad about his mother, even if she was just a memory.

His poor mother, she had loved Shinji as well, and she had died. Kaoru had loved Shinji and he had died. There was s pattern he felt cursed with. Would Shinji be forced to sit and watch people who loved him die? When Shinji was close to someone they died, or worse they left him all alone.

"I'm not strong enough to be alone." Shinji cracked between the sobs. Shinji looked up into the empty kitchen. He felt so weak right now, the Eva's had been a sign of strength in him. When he could pilot one he felt in control of his mind better, when he destroyed an angel that made him proud because everybody was so happy.

Most of all at the time he felt as if his father might actually have been acknowledging him, maybe even remotely wanting him again. But that proved to be a sick dream in his head. He remembered the first time he had hurt himself a few days ago. He had approached his father.

"Father…" "Yes Shinji?" 

"_Now that the angels are gone I wanted to ask you what you're going to do now."_

"_Well I'm going to continue my research and projects of course, there are still many unfinished ties that need to be put together, not that it's any of your concern."_

_Shinji sighed. "Well I wanted to know if perhaps I could see you more often, maybe even live with you someday. Stay with you, we could be a family again."_

_His father became still, and remained that way for at least a minute. _

"_You would only get in my way. I don't need a brat running around vying for my attention against my work when my work comes before anything else and that includes you. You have somewhere to live with Katsuragi right? You have a home there, so why don't you go there and leave me the hell alone? I have no interests in bonding with you; you are useless to me now. You came and fulfilled your obligation and now go live your days somewhere else, I hope I made myself clear."_

_Shinji had done everything in his power not to cry, to let his father see his weakness._

"_Okay, I understand then. I won't ever bother you again, I won't ever burden you with my presence at all." _

_His father shifted on his feet._

_Shinji turned and began walking away._

"_But if something were to happen where you should ever have to pilot the Eva soon I expect you to be prompt at returning."_

His father hadn't cared after all. The rejection his father gave him sent Shinji in a deep sadness. He went home that very night and stuck his arms out above the flames of the stove, enjoying how his flesh began to melt away. The only reason that his arms were spared was because Misato had found him just in time.

She had called out to him, shoved him away. She had cried for him, took him to the hospital and fixed him. Afterwards when they returned home she grabbed his small hands and put them on her cheeks. "You can talk to me you know. I'll listen, just please don't ever do that again. I almost lost it when I saw you doing that."

She had stroked his fingertips and placed a small kiss on them. "Your hands have done great things Shinji, like you, with you or them we wouldn't be here at all, and even if your father can't acknowledge what a wonderful person you are I can, and I will. You didn't have to save us Shinji, you could have let us all die, but you didn't. I love you for that Shinji, I love you because now you and I can be a family, you have ended my loneliness."

He had failed her. He couldn't take this pain anymore. He wasn't as strong as she thought; he felt so out of control of his mind. So out of everything. Kaoru's pretty face appeared in his mind "Are you going to shower with me?" "Are we going to go to bed together?" Those questions had caused him to blush and stutter.

He had wanted to do those things with his friend. That certainly surprised him the most. Kaoru wanted him near him at all times. Fresh tears pooled in his eyes, he missed him so much. "At the end of all this what will I do with myself?" Asuka's face replaced Kaoru, and Shinji couldn't help but blush.

He had deep seated feelings for her he knew that. People probably assumed that he had more connections with Rei but that wasn't true. He hardly understood her at all. However they did have an unspoken bond. They shared an understanding that was something like a sibling. They also shared Shinji's father. Rei perhaps was even more used than Shinji was by him. He had great empathy for her.

She had actually smiled at Shinji recently. She was getting better, she was healing, unlike Asuka who was dwelling in her rotten mind. Maybe that's why he liked her so much, she was just as crazy as he was, and he liked her that way. Before she left her mind he felt as if she might actually be liking him, his heart was leaping for joy at that.

If it hadn't been for him though she wouldn't be like this either. He had upstaged her and sent her purpose in life crashing down. Now he knew what it felt like to have that happen and that made Shinji cling desperately to her image. In his mind he knew he wanted to reach out to her.

His hands wanted to hold her and make sure she knew he cared about her. He could picture himself now with her, his needy hands wanting Asuka's to hold them. His same hands running through her red hair pulling it slightly and watching her get mad at him. But he would never have the opportunity to do that.

He really missed her now. "Maybe I could see her later this week." He rubbed his sore eyes. "Maybe she would like a visitor." He wiped his snotty nose on his hand. Maybe not though but trying was better than not he supposed. Hell even if he didn't deserve it why not? It wasn't like Asuka had anything else to lose.

Besides Shinji most likely was going to end up beside her in a mental home too. So why waste a last opportunity to see her again? Shinji's tears began to dry, maybe he would bring her some flowers too. Maybe they would cheer her up? He stood up again and regained his composure.

"Or maybe." A tiny voice in the back of his head began. "You'll stop pretending to be mister nice guy and take what you want."


	2. The things I want to do

Is this story any good so far gentle readers?

I need at least one other review! I must know what you guys think!

Yeah, well here's another chapter. Oh and if I get any names wrong forgive me, I know them I just have trouble spelling them. Yeah love Japanese people to death but their names are super hard.

Super super hard… --;

And I took down that stupid dream prologue thing, that thing was stupid too so maybe you guys can just pretend it was never there…

Argh…

"There really pretty Shinji." Shinji smiled at Misato's comment. "The flowers yeah, there red like Asuka's hair." He clutched the bouquet tighter. "I hope she likes them." Misato nodded. "Shinji, I want you to expect Asuka to be, well, I just don't want you to get your hopes high. She's very sick Shinji, and she probably won't recognize much of anything." Misato place her tiny hand on Shinji's shoulder.

"But at least were allowed visitation you know? Commander Ikari could have specifically made it so nobody would ever see her again." Shinji huffed in annoyance at the mention of him. "It surprised me when there was no ban on seeing her, I mean he enjoys torturing everyone else around him after all." Misato clenched down on Shinji's shoulder painfully. "There will be none of that kind of talk alright. Let's just pray this is a pleasant visit."

She released her grip on his shoulder as they entered the hospital. A nurse at the entrance helped them get orientated and to the appropriate doctor. He was an older gentleman, short, a little less than Misato, and a little on the pudgy side. His black hair was thinning, and he was starting to get folds in his eyes. But he looked friendly despite his profession. He reached his hand out. The other held a small metal clipboard.

"I'm doctor Ito Hiroshi, and I've been hoping that someone would come visit Miss Soryu for a while now. If I may say so she's a very interesting young girl, I was hoping she wasn't all alone." Misato took his hand and shook it. "Yes well were here now, it's just been hard these last few weeks." Shinji kept his eyes focused on the flowers, beautiful red roses he had gotten that morning.

He had no interest in this doctor. "Miss Soryu is in her room right now, I'm sure it would be okay if you were to visit her there. Uh but I'm afraid only one at a time, I don't want to upset her with to much stimulation." Misato shook her head, "That's okay, Shinji can go see her, and I was just going to wait here anyway." That surprised Shinji and he looked at her but saw a little formation of tears in her eyes and understood.

She was scared to see Asuka, scared to see what she might have become, scared and saddened. The doctor nodded and looked at Shinji. "Well let's go then, your mother will be fine here in the waiting room." Shinji blushed a little; he had called Misato his mother. Misato smiled, it was sort of true in a way. He opened the doors for Shinji and led him down a bright and depressing hall.

Doors on either side of them and a few scattered nurses here and there. The doctor turned and led him down another hall, the same as the last but Shinji could just feel the presence of Asuka here. "She's the last door here." Shinji nodded but the doctor couldn't see. They made it in front of her door. It was white, like the hall, very boring, and the number 1-15 was above it on a small pale brown plaque. Beside it were papers and files in a little plastic holder, from what Shinji saw they were all about Asuka.

The doctor opened the door and had Shinji step in with him. Unlike the outside this room was dark, the only real light came from the cracked window shade. It was still pretty visible though. "Miss Soryu, you have a visitor." Asuka, who was sitting on the bed shifted. "Can you turn on the light so I can see whoever it is." Ito flipped a switch by Shinji and smiled at him. "I'll give you some privacy, say ten minutes before I check in?"

Shinji nodded in approval. "He brought you flowers to Miss Soryu." The doctor left them and shut the door behind him. Asuka's blue eyes fluttered up to Shinji. "It's you." the un-amusement evident in her voice, "Yes it's me Asuka, I wanted to see you." Shinji found a chair and sat himself in it at the foot of her bed. "Oh and you did bring me flowers to!" She scooted a little closer to him.

"That makes me just want to vomit." She then grinned a big smile of pleasure. Shinji frowned. "I just thought they would make you feel better today. I wanted to do something nice for you." Asuka stretched and cracked her knuckles. "If I remember correctly you're the reason I'm here in the first place. So tell me how some stupid flowers, given by you no less, are going to make me feel better."

Shinji sighed; this wasn't what he had in mind at all. "Well I'm giving them to you anyway." He stood and approached a small desk sitting by Asuka's bed placing the flowers on top of them. "They need a vase, I'm sure I can get you one too." Asuka snorted at his comment. "Don't bother I'm not expecting to see you again." Shinji turned around to look at her. "Why not!"

"Oh look at me I'm so scared! The great Shinji who always saves the day is yelling at me! You think your special to me Shinji? Hardly, I don't worship you like everybody else, that pisses you off doesn't it?" Asuka moved off of the bed to stand next to Shinji. "I don't want you to visit me, I don't want you to come near me, stay away from me! I'm crazy after all right? Don't you know not to fuck with a crazy person? But Shinji you're so stupid after all right, maybe I should-

"Shut up!" Shinji interrupted. "I'm trying to be nice to you Asuka, I'm trying to cope with what I did! You, you just sit here day in and day out sulking because you say I stole your purpose, trust me I don't feel any kind of pride in that. I hated the Eva's, I truly did, I only did it to try and pretend like I myself had a reason for living, like maybe my life would matter if I held the power to save or damn man. That and I wanted my father's attention, so badly."

"I wanted it so very badly." Shinji could feel tears in the corners of his eyes.

"I see, then Shinji your even more pathetic than I thought. When I piloted the Eva I did it for nobody but me, I did it to be stronger, I did it to prove that I could keep fighting in this world. Nobody else ever liked me, and I was okay s long as I had a purpose, at least I could tolerate myself. You, you can't even pretend to do that and that's why your going to kill yourself in the end and I'm going to laugh over your dead corpse."

Shinji fell silent. What could he say to this? This was all some bullshit anyway. Shinji instinctively touched the bandages on his arms, his burns. "Aw and what's this Shinji have a boo-boo? What did you fall?" Asuka squealed. "How nice, the great Shinji can actually fall like everyone else too, what's next, wonder-girl Rei will actually talk? I can't wait!"

"You know Asuka you have a very big mouth." Shinji interrupted yet again.

"And it says really mean things all the time." Asuka crossed her arms and glared at Shinji.

"What if I didn't want to hear it anymore, what if nobody wanted to hear it anymore. What if I broke your face so you couldn't talk anymore."

Asuka walked over to Shinji till they were just barely apart. "You want to hurt me? Go ahead and try, you can't hurt me, you're weak, Shinji and your to dumb too. I could be killing you right now and all you would do is curl into a ball and cry, you make me sick to my stomach. I hate weakness, especially in men. Shinji and your one of the weakest ones I have ever met, how is it that your this legendary prodigy and I'm nothing!"

Asuka shoved Shinji once, twice, three times. "You can't do anything, you make empty threats, you won't hurt me because your to scared. Why the fuck are you so special! It's not fair, there's absolutely nothing special about you at all! I hate you! I fucking hate you, I wish you would just die so I wouldn't even have to hear about you anymore! Wouldn't have to think about you, waste my time all on you, maybe I could even get out of this damn hospital!"

She shoved Shinji so hard he fell on his ass and slammed his arm against the tiny desk. It stung violently on his burn. "How do you like it on the floor? I really do think it suits you." Shinji rubbed on his wound not saying anything. "Now get up and leave me alone to rot in peace." Her gaze never left Shinji. It never left him when he stood, and it never left him as he pressed himself to her grinning. "Asuka can I tell you something since whatever I say can't possibly get you more upset?"

"Sometimes at night when I sleep your all I can dream about. We do all sorts of things, I like the one where your bent over the bed. Sometimes I think about you in the shower so I just pretend you suck me off when my hand creeps down there. Sometimes though I dream about more violent things, like one I had the other night when I sawed your hands off."

Shinji coiled his hand into a fist and slugged Asuka hard across the face. She fell onto the bed and clutched her bruised cheek. "Sometimes I just want to kill you and keep you under my bed so I'll never miss you again." His eyes widened and his face became almost sick looking. "Asuka, we can just pretend you fell right?" She looked at Shinji and began to scream.


End file.
